There is so much freedom in letting go and sharing the darkest places within ourselves, There is so much freedom in truth and Today ... I am ready to be Free.
I just want to start by saying, We all go through things in this life that are hard. Some of our trials are way more difficult than others. A few years ago I went through the biggest trial of my life...so far anyway:) and handled it in a very terrible way.
To start, Let me paint the picture for you of the "old me". Three years ago I was in a place of happiness... My life was REALLY good. I was happy and healthy (I am almost 5'4" & weighed 130 lbs this was awesome as I had recently had a baby and had "bounced back" better than ever! My marriage was happy, full of love and was very solid, (my husband was still healing from the loss of his father but he was finally in a better place), we had been blessed with 3 beautiful & healthy children after many losses and years of struggling to have children. and Our business was finally in a good place after years of "holding on" and riding the wave of the recession..... It seemed like the rough times were finally over. Life was really finally good. I was so grateful and happy to be blessed with all the great things we had going on.
Then the devil found a crack and attacked my family, my happy life. My bubble popped and my happy world shattered and came crashing down all around me. I was left to pick up the shattered pieces and try to put everything back together again. But healing takes time and I didn't even know where to begin that part of my journey. I just wasn't there yet. I was still in shock and awe and I was beyond hurting, I felt lost and alone. I hit rock bottom. I was broken. I won't go into all of the details of what caused my struggle because what happened isn't important per say, it was how I dealt with my hurts and pain that does matter...
On the outside I looked happy and healthy, full of life and smiles, and pain free...the normal me. But on the side I was a mess. I was taunted, tortured, tormented and beaten down unbearable emotional pain. I have never been so hurt and out of control of myself and my feelings before. I was struggling to understand what? how? and why's ? of everything and was loosing the battle. There was a struggle that raged on inside me, I wanted my old life back and since that was not an option I needed to feel some since of normalcy. I longed to feel in control of something. ANYTHING!
At this point I hadn't even begun to wonder if I could heal from such a deep brokenness. I was just stuck in it!
I found myself keeping up my charade during the day not wanting anyone to know what had happened. It was exhausting. I would pretend by day and at night I was finding myself almost unknowingly in front of the TV with a bag (or two) of chips crackers, ice cream, sodas, candies, anything that was junk that I could eat. I was full but I was hungry. I would eat from the moment my kids where put in bed to the wee hours of the morning. Hours of eating garbage and I would feel relieved for the time being sitting there eating.
Somehow filling myself with unhealthy goodies made me "feel better". It made me feel like I was not empty anymore. Without even knowing it I had turned to food to help me feel like I was in control of something...my husband would try to "help" make me aware of how much I was consuming but it only made it worse. I felt like a defiant kid being told no and I would go eat more. I even started to eat treats in hiding when he wasn't looking so he would not know how much I was eating. My weight was starting to creep up but I didn't even notice.
I was in counseling to help me heal from the effects of our family attack and to start my healing process but I did not realize that there was a problem with food at this point. I was too concerned about the rest of the mess, and I couldn't focus on my new issue yet, the old one was still raw. I was also loosing control of my anger and started yelling at my little ones a lot. I was not a happy person anymore and I was taking it all out on those I loved the most.
My husband thought we needed a bit of a change so we decided to take a long family trip and get away from everything. We did a family road trip. We traveled for a couple months, It was fun and helpful. Towards the end of the trip we visited his family in Wisconsin like we always do on summer break before coming home to get ready for school. When we got home from the trip my weight was a big noticeable concern. Within a 4-5 months I had gained a whopping 27 lbs. Nothing fit anymore. I avoided the camera and people. I hated the scale, the mirror, my closet and myself.
After our summer trip my husband decided the trip helped and felt very strongly that we needed another change, this time A. BIG. CHANGE. For the sake of our family he thought we should move. We had been talking about it for years anyway and the stars had never aligned before but now they were so now was the time. So with me kicking and screaming we moved from our home away from our family, friends, church, everything I knew to start fresh and begin new. At first it was terrible. I didn't know anyone, I had no family, no friends, no play dates, no MOPS, no outs. and I was buried in snow and did not feel safe attempting to drive in it. Not to mention tons of unpacking and trying to still heal. It all took it toll on me. and by this point I was so caught up in the "habit" of late night eating that it was my norm and it was hard to change so at night my norm would continue.On Halloween I got on the scale for the first time in months. I was shocked and decided I needed to give up diet soda...which I easily did but that was not a cure and by Thanksgiving I weighed 168 lbs.
It was a hard reality. I had gone from a size 4 to a 10-12. I knew I needed to get myself back together so I pulled out my favorite workout program ChaLean Extreme. Dusted it off and I started it. It was so hard. I was so out of shape and so I quit. I tried it off and on for a couple months. Starting and quitting, Failing over and over again.
I tried watching my food intake and was pretty good during the day but those night time food binges would come and I would give in most nights. But now they no longer made me feel better. They made me feel terrible and disgusted with myself. and so my struggle raged on.
Finally I saw the light in January 2014 when I got an email from Beachbody about a brand new program that helped with portion control. It was called the 21 Day Fix. (oops, I forgot to mention that when I was in a good place I was a coach but that too was on my back burner) Anyways, It was like an angel herself had handed me freedom from my struggle. I just felt this was it! Maybe just maybe I could this! It was just 21 days! Just 3 weeks! I finally had HOPE! It was being released to coached first. So on the day it was to be released I sat there on my computer ready and waiting to buy it . I was to start a new chapter and become a better me.
I ordered it and when it arrived I was determined to follow it to a T. I begged my husband to do it with me and he actually agreed.
I read the information book over and over and I reached out to my coach who I hadn't really spoken to in a long while out of embarrassment and shame But she graciously let me join her upcoming online challenge group for extra support. I also begged my hubby to do the program with me and support my new venture because I was so scared to fail yet again.... He also graciously agreed, so for 3 weeks 21 days I meal prepped, I followed the meal plan, and I even used these little colored containers and ate proper portions of foods. We worked out to the 21 Day Fix DVD's and to avoid the late night eating my husband and we did those workouts during our night time couch time aka my glut myself times. I struggled through the workouts, they were hard at first and my brain was telling to so many lies. You are too old, you have had too many kids, you are too fat to get healthy you will fail again and so on! There were lots of times I wanted to stop and puke or just flat out quit all together because I was so sore but with the support and motivation of the group and my husband cheering me on I made it through every single them by following "Kat", The girl doing the easier-beginner version of the workouts When I felt those hard to get past urges for junk food come on I had a chocolate shakeology shake that came with my Challenge Pack, It helped my cravings a lot and the energy boost was helpful too. There were some days when I even had 2 shakes... I needed them at the time, lol!
Now I can say with pride that I completed all 21 days and was super proud of my results. After round 1 of the 21 Day Fix I was down 9 lbs and 11 inches. But when it was all over I was on the road to a new me. That leap of faith opened the door to hope. I continued the program for 4 rounds and now have control of my food. I don't crave the late night junk anymore and in a much better place mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have since completed several other Beachbody programs and am proud of the journey I am on. I am now embracing life and positive change. And don't think I am perfect because I am no where close :) I have fallen off a few times but I always get back on track. I am now a beachbody coach too, I read personal development, attend bible studies, and now I offer hope to others who want to change from the inside out too by coaching them just like my coach did me!
*Please note I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder. I was just a lost sad girl that turned to food for comfort. I have overcome those bad habits and now have hope and a passion for being a better me.
* If you or someone you know has an eating disorder please reach out to a loved one or medical provider and seek help. You are not alone and there is always HOPE :)
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